The actress writes about her career, exes, substance abuse and more.

Biggest bombshells from Hayden Panettiere’s book This Is Me: A Reckoning

The actress writes about her career, exes, substance abuse and more.

By Sarah Hearon

May 19, 2026 7:00 a.m. ET

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Hayden Panettiere in 2023; The cover of 'This Is Me: A Reckoning' by Hayden Panettiere. Credit:

Jason Mendez/Getty; Grand Central Publishing

- Hayden Panettiere's bombshell new memoir, *This Is Me: A Reckoning,* is out now.

- The book shares new details of her career — from *Remember the Titans *to* Heroes *to* Nashville *— and her personal life, including her age-gap romance with Milo Ventimiglia and her abusive relationship with ex Brian Hickerson.

- "I really hope that by reading about the trials and tribulations that I've gone through, that it can help [readers] overcome their own obstacles and make sure that they know that they're not alone," she told EW.

Hayden Panettiere has been making headlines for weeks as she promotes her new book, *This Is Me: A Reckoning*, but the stories she has told in the media only scratch the surface.

“I've been in this industry for my entire life, and there've been a lot of stories and preconceived ideas of who I am since I was about — that really started at 16 years old,” Panettiere, now 36, told ** ahead of Tuesday’s book release. “I get to tell people the truth. I get to tell them what really happened, and what really happened is generally more entertaining than anything that anyone could come up with.”

Panettiere writes about her career — including anecdotes from *Remember the Titans, Heroes, Nashville,* and more — but also goes deep about her personal life.

“I really hope that by reading about the trials and tribulations that I've gone through, that it can help [readers] overcome their own obstacles and make sure that they know that they're not alone, because that's the worst feeling in the world — especially when you're going through a trying time — is to feel alone,” Panettiere told EW. “All you want to know is that somebody else has gone through and survived what you're going through right now, and even though in the moment it feels like you'll never be okay again. But I also hope people laugh through it as well. I think there's a good balance.”

*This Is Me: A Reckoning* is available now. Keep reading for some of the biggest revelations.

'This Is Me: A Reckoning' by Hayden Panettiere.

Grand Central Publishing

‘Trigger tears’ and acting pressure from mom

Panettiere’s complex relationship with her mom, Lesley Vogel, is well-documented in the book, beginning with Vogel getting her daughter into acting at just eight months old.

When she bombed an audition at just four years old, she calls disappointing Vogel “a fate worse than death,” writing, “When she was irritated, she opened her mouth ever so slightly. When she was mad, she clenched her jaw. When she was so angry that my best option was to hide under my bed, her lower jaw migrated a few centimeters forward. I looked up and back at Mom, and there was that soul-shattering underbite.”

Panettiere’s mother helped her learn how to cry whenever the script called for emotion, referring to the method as “trigger tears.”

“All I had to do was imagine the most horrific thing that could happen to an eight-year-old —like my cat dying or Dad suffering an agonizing death in a blazing house—and the tears would well up,” she writes.

In more recent years, Panettiere says that the strategy has affected her brain’s ability to process stressful events. “I’ve learned that my childhood catastrophizing activated my amygdala, hippocampus, hypothalamus, and prefrontal cortex, areas of the brain that are responsible for processing fear and anxiety,” she writes.

Discovering she’s bisexual

Panettiere started to have feelings for girls when she was in kindergarten.

“The first time I experimented with a girl was when I was about eight or nine,” she writes, explaining that the two were “experiment[ing]” when her dad walked in. “I wiggled my fingers and slid my hand right down toward her underwear. I couldn’t really tell what my hand landed on, but none of it felt like a big deal; what made up her body was exactly what made up mine.… Just then, I heard a noise. I looked up, and I saw the doorknob turn.”

Panettiere says her hand was “trapped” in the other girl’s pants, and her dad didn’t listen to her pleas not to come into the room. They didn’t speak about it.

“I’ve also never told the public I’ve been with women. And I say 'been with women' because I haven’t fallen in love or had anything beyond sexual relationships with any, though I suppose that could happen someday. But I have been attracted to women just as long as I’ve been attracted to me.”

Remember the Titans

Panettiere has fond memories of playing Sheryl Yoast in the 2000 movie, saying she became “fast friends” with Denzel Washington. She calls Will Patton “one of the kindest, most soulful people I’ve ever met.”

“As Sheryl, I was strong and authentic, and on *Remember the Titans* I was the happiest I’d ever felt as an actor,” she writes. “If I could go back and do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat.”

Panic Room

Panettiere confirms reports that she was supposed to play Sarah in *Panic Room *alongside Nicole Kidman. During camera testing, she writes that she met Kidman and then-husband Tom Cruise’s kids, Isabella and Connor, and made plans for playdates. When Kidman got injured on set, she dropped out of the movie, and Jodie Foster took over. Panettiere was recast with Kristen Stewart, with her mom telling her that the director said Panettiere didn’t look enough like Foster to play her daughter.

“Years later, my former manager told me the real reason why I was dropped from the film. The director spoke to Mom about cutting my hair so I would look more like Jodie Foster, who’s always rocked a great bob. Mom said no. It was a deal-breaker,” Panettiere writes, noting that *Panic Room* went on to gross $197 million worldwide.

Racing Stripes

Panettiere recalls an injury of her own on the set of the 2005 movie *Racing Stripes *when she fell off a zebra. “I kept my mouth shut and endured the pain in my back and neck. Over twenty years later, these injuries still bother me,” she writes.

Young Hollywood

Hayden Panettiere and Stephen Colletti.

John Sciulli/WireImage

Around the same time she landed the role of cheerleader Claire on *Heroes* in 2006, Panettiere started dating Stephen Colletti, whom she met through a publicist. She also began dealing with paparazzi, recalling a headline about her “cellulite.”

“I suffered from body dysmorphia for years because of that, believing that no matter how strong, thin or young I was, there was no escaping the dreaded cottage cheese thighs,” she writes.

Panettiere recalls going to clubs with Colletti, but being careful about her image, especially because of a “strict morality clause” in her Neutrogena contract.

Abusive relationship with Brian

“My relationship with Neutrogena helped dictate every outfit I wore, every hair and makeup choice, and how I acted when I was out on the town. I never let the paparazzi see me holding a drink—underage Neutrogena girls didn’t do that—and while I didn’t force myself to dress modestly, I never showed too much skin,” she writes. (Neutrogena, according to Panettiere, canceled her contract when she went public with her struggles with postpartum depression.)

She notes she would spend time with the women who worked at Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé Kardashian’s store DASH when at the club, but didn’t connect with many other actresses her age.

“Watching how people like Lindsay Lohan commanded a room was mesmerizing. I was around thirteen when I first met Lindsay and she’d always been warm and friendly with me, but I thought of her as one of the consummate cool girls,” she writes. “She always seemed completely in her element, talking to anyone and everyone. I remember watching her in awe from across the room, and I was convinced she was born to be in situations like this.”

‘Happy pills’

At 16, Panettiere was given a “happy pill” by a former publicist to perform on a red carpet.

“Within minutes, a wave of energy washed over me, like I’d just woken up from the most refreshing night’s sleep of my life,” she writes, referring to the pill as “the gateway drug that ushered me toward the good of pharmaceuticals and the downfall of addiction.”

Panettiere’s parents’ marriage

Panettiere writes about her parents’ ups and downs, including her father having an affair and a fight that led to his arrest.

“Domestic violence of any kind—physical, verbal, financial, sexual, emotional or psychological—is inexcusable. It destroys lives and scars people forever,” she writes. “The trauma I feel from the abuse I’ve suffered is painful on a level I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I do not take the subject lightly.”

According to Panettiere, things didn’t get physical between her parents, but her mom did call the cops after a heated argument in 2008. Panettiere details then-boyfriend and *Heroes* costar Milo Ventimiglia informing her that her dad was in jail.

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Not long after the incident, Panettiere informed her mom that she didn’t want her to be her manager anymore.

“All I wanted was to discover what it was like to have a “normal” mother–daughter relationship, and that dynamic didn’t involve contracts, producers, boho tops, or drinking wine at industry parties,” she writes. “Mom picked up her purse, clenched her jaw, and looked straight at me. ‘You owe me,’ she answered. … I knew I’d done the right thing, but I sensed something in me had died.”

A ‘weird friendship’ with Diana Jenkins

Hayden Panettiere and Diana Jenkins in 2009.

Jeff Vespa/WireImage

Nearly two decades before Diana Jenkins’ memorable one-season stint on T*he Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,* she crossed paths with Panettiere for her 2009 coffee-table book *Room 23. *

“Diana was almost thirty years older than me, and while I’d always been mature for my age, it’s impossible to overlook an age difference that large,” she writes. “It was a weird friendship for sure, but as I stretched into my newfound adulthood, I had to see which relationships suited me, on my own terms. At that moment, Diana seemed like she could give me everything I needed.”

Panettiere met a lot of famous people at Jenkins’ parties, including her future fiancé, Wladimir Klitschko.

Sexual harassment in Hollywood

At one get-together with her older group of friends, including a woman whom she calls Stella, she was sexually harassed by an Oscar winner. After the unnamed actor and director told her that he had gum on his pants, she writes, “I looked down and recoiled. This well-respected, award-winning actor’s testicles were hanging out from his unzipped fly.”

During another outing with Stella on a boat, she claims her so-called friend left her in bed with a naked man.

“Stella leaned down and whispered in my ear, ‘I want you to get in bed with him. He has a huge dick,’” Panettiere writes of an unnamed “famous thirtysomething British singer-songwriter.”

“My body no longer felt like my own,” she writes of Stella offering her up to the musician. “The shock was so great it didn’t even occur to me to say no. Stella was one of my closest, most trusted friends, and this couldn’t be real. There was no way she’d ever let anything happen to me.”

Panettiere managed to run out of the room. “I knew I had to get off this boat, away from this horrible woman and whatever she was up to.”

Dating Milo Ventimiglia

Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panetierre in 2007. Michael Buckner/Getty

Panettiere was 18 when she started dating her 30-year-old *Heroes* costar. “The press scrutiny around our age difference had been relentless, and Milo was such a private person that I knew it wore on him,” she writes, adding that “there wasn’t much wrong with our dynamic” from her perspective.

The pair got into a fight in late 2008 after an unnamed NBC executive kissed her at a party. While Ventimiglia wanted to confront him, Panettiere asked him not to. He broke up with her days later.

“I wasn’t really in love with Milo, but our relationship was something stable in my life, and now he’d pulled the rug out from under me. In my nineteen years, no one had ever broken up with me—especially not after a silly misunderstanding like this (or whatever had happened the other day),” she writes.

Because of how emotional Panettiere got, Ventimiglia said, “I take it back” to help her calm down. They split for good a week later, but there was “no bad blood” on set.

By season 3 of the NBC show, Panettiere writes that “the plotlines were confusing, the writing was often stale, and some of the characters’ motivations and dramas no longer rang true.”

“After ratings plummeted during the second season, two of the executive producers—who also worked as writers—were fired, but the problems remained all the way through season three,” she notes. “The rest of the cast and I were frustrated and upset, but there was little we could do. We did everything in our power to make the characters as interesting to watch as possible, but at the end of the day our influence was limited.”

Panettiere loved working on* Scream 4*, writing that she had never laughed so hard on a set. She also reveals that her agent had “negotiated a character no-kill clause in my contract,” writing, “So—even though I was going to get stabbed in the stomach twice—Ghostface couldn’t get me.”

During production, the cast spent a weekend at a cottage rented by Neve Campbell, where some people did mushrooms.

“Not long after we took the ’shrooms, when I was starting to settle in, someone decided to invite David Arquette over. When he arrived, he took in the scene and passed on taking the ’shrooms. Then he announced proudly that he wanted to show us his directorial debut, *The Tripper*,” Panettiere writes.

A high Panettiere couldn’t handle the slasher film. “David Arquette is a good friend and a great director and actor. But unless he was messing with us—and I’m sure he was—I will never know what he was thinking,” she writes.

Panettiere has been open about her personal struggles on the set of *Nashville*, and based on the book, things were rocky from the beginning. According to Panettiere, her character, Juliette Barnes, wasn’t “intended to be the show’s star" as Connie Britton’s Rayna James was.

“Juliette wasn’t necessarily Rayna’s enemy, but she was the antagonist. I threatened Rayna’s career, but I was never supposed to outshine her,” she writes. “Unfortunately, after the pilot, it was clear that my billing had gone way up. I went from maybe number five in terms of importance to nipping at Connie’s heels. I was deeply uncomfortable with this development. I was twenty-three years old, and Connie was in her forties with three Emmy nominations under her belt. She was also a new mom. This should have been her time to shine, and while it was in many respects, I was terrified of making Connie worry that I—not my character—was trying to compete with her.”

While Panettiere said she “came in peace and with respect” with Britton, she said the writers “seemed dead set on making Rayna likable” and that often came at the expense of Juliette.

“It was the first beef I had with* Nashville*’s writers, but it wouldn’t be my last. That would happen soon, when I realized they were modeling the script after my life,” she writes.

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By season 4, the actress said she “dove headfirst into my own hell.”

“During the better part of season four, my personal problems were writing the script," she writes. "Juliette Barnes had postpartum depression, an alcohol and pill problem and a divorce on the horizon. She was erratic, an absentee mother and fought with everyone—including her fans. Everyday I read the day’s script, it was like I was looking in a funhouse mirror, seeing a distorted reflection of myself. I can’t tell you how lost this made me feel.”

Drinking and postpartum depression

Panettiere struggled throughout her pregnancy and when her daughter, Kaya, whom she shares with Klitschko, was born. “She seemed like someone else’s baby, not mine,” she writes. “I had always heard that mothers feel an instant rush of love the moment they lay their eyes on their baby, but I felt nothing. Kaya was just *there* and now I had to figure out how to bond with her. It felt like an insurmountable task, and I was only on the first day.”

Panettiere turned to drinking as she tried to navigate filming *Nashville*, a rocky relationship with Klitschko, and postpartum depression. She recalls drinking so much wine that the glass “almost overflowed” and hiding mini bottles of Fireball in her house to grab at any time — including right when she woke up.

When she sought treatment for the first time in between seasons 3 and 4 of *Nashville*, she was able to get sober — but ended up "completely dependent” on prescription pills that she was given in rehab. Panettiere recalls once waking up in the hospital after blacking out in the makeup trailer on Klonopin.

Signing over custody of Kaya

When Panettiere and Klitschko ultimately ended things, Klitschko sought full custody of Kaya and relocated to his native Ukraine. Devastated but struggling, Panettiere signed the custody papers.

“Could I fight Wlad? Sure. Did I want to? Yes. But should I? No. I couldn’t do it to my Kaya. I signed the papers and Wlad got our child,” she writes.

She soon wrapped *Nashville* — skipping the wrap party — and began to suffer even more.

“The fact that I wasn’t with Kaya, was officially an addict, and no longer had the will to work was killing me,” she writes. “I’d done this all to myself and it filled me with disgust. Self-loathing is one of the most dangerous human emotions, and when you’re down, you keep doing things to confirm where you’ve landed.”

Abusive relationship with Brian

Brian Hickerson and Hayden Panettiere. Eric Charbonneau/Shutterstock

Panettiere shares several stories about her abusive relationship with on-again, off-again boyfriend Brian Hickerson.

“I don’t want to be a spokesperson for domestic violence,” she begins. “I never wanted to call myself a victim, but here I am. It’s part of my story whether I want it to be or not. So, I’ll lay it all out here: seven years of mental illness, addiction, rage, abuse and pain in just a few pages.”

Panettiere notes that “you never forget the first time someone slaps you nor do you forget the last,” and then “the slaps become hits.”

She explains that on one occasion, Hickerson — who was arrested several times and served 45 days after pleading no contest to two felony counts of injuring a significant other in 2021 — allegedly busted up her “face so badly" she didn't leave her house for weeks.

“Another day he screams at me to run as far as I can in five seconds because I’ll need a head start before he throws the remote control at me. This is a man who doesn’t miss, I think. And he doesn’t. The remote control hits my face like it’s been thrown by a minor league pitcher,” she writes. (Hickerson recently told TMZ that everyone should read what Panettiere wrote, despite how painful it is. He also said he’s sober now.)

Hayden’s brother

Hayden Panettiere and Jansen Panettiere in 2011. Frazer Harrison/WireImage

Panettiere's brother, Jansen, also battled substance abuse, once admitting to his sister that he smoked crack and “snorted heroin a couple times.”

“My mind exploded in a thousand different directions. Crack was an upper, heroin was a downer. Together they were a lethal combination,” she writes. “Chances were that if Jansen kept getting heroin from one of his shifty friends, he was going to OD on fentanyl.”

Not long after that, Panettiere got a call from her dad that Jansen had died.

“‘Uh, Hayden…there’s no easy way to tell you this. Jansen’s dead. My boy is dead,’” she writes.  He was 28 years old.

Jansen’s official cause of death was “cardiomegaly (enlarged heart), coupled with aortic valve complications,” the family said in a statement at the time.

*If you are experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at**1-800-799-7233**, or visit**thehotline.org**. All calls are toll-free and confidential. The hotline is available 24/7 in more than 170 languages.*

*If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please contact the SAMHSA helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.*

Original Article on Source

Source: “EW Books”